What Happens When You Abandon A Narcissist?


I got an email from a lady in Wisconsin that just broke my heart detailing all the things her husband has done to this young woman and would you believe after detailing the terrible things he has done she asked the question...AM I ABUSED? He fits the profile of a Malignant Narcissist to a tee, and makes her feel like she is the problem and that there is something wrong with her thinking. To her I have this to say and to everyone living with an Abusive Narcissist: 

If you truly value your sanity you will have to understand that the Narcissist is an EMOTIONAL VAMPIRE! You will never have any real value except as "feeding ground" for his voracious appetite of self! Everything must revolve around this self-styled god. Separate yourself from his kingdom of self if you want any identity of your own.

I have talked about the ABUSER until I am blue in the face it seems, but it really is hard to get the ABUSED to understand why their ABUSER does the things they do and that ABUSED ARE NOT CRAZY! YOU HONESTLY HAVE NO CHOICE BUT TO SEPARATE YOURSELF FROM AN ABUSER ESPECIALLY A NARCISSIST! Dr. Sam Vaknim, in his books details that the narcissist INITIATES his own abandonment BECAUSE of his fear. He is so afraid of losing his sources (and of unconsciously being emotionally hurt) - that he would rather "control", "master", or "direct" the potentially destabilizing situation - than confront its effects if initiated by the significant other. Remember: the personality of the narcissist has a low level of organization mentally even though they may be functionally organized and organize everything in your life to suit them. It is precariously balanced but as long as they can dominate they don't have to worry about organizing the level of personal involvement. They are free to do their own thing .

Being abandoned could cause a narcissistic injury so grave that the whole edifice can come crumbling down. Narcissists usually entertain suicidal ideation in such cases. BUT, if the narcissist initiated his abandonment, if HE directed the scenes, if the abandonment is perceived by him to be a goal HE set to himself to achieve - he can and does avoid all these untoward consequences. 

The Dynamics of the Relationship
The Narcissist lives in a world of ideal beauty, incomparable (imaginary) achievements, wealth, brilliance and unmitigated success. The narcissist denies his reality constantly. This is what I call the "Grandiosity Gap" - the abyss between his sense of entitlement and his inflated grandiose fantasies - and his incommensurate reality and achievements.

The narcissist's partner is perceived by him to be a source of narcissistic supply, an instrument, an extension of himself. It is inconceivable that - blessed by the constant presence of the narcissist - such a tool would malfunction. The needs of the partner are perceived by the narcissist as THREATS and INSULTS. He considers his very existence as sufficiently nourishing and sustaining to his partner. He feels entitled to the best others can offer without investing in maintaining relationships or in catering to the well being of his "suppliers". To rid himself of deep-set feelings of (rather justified) guilt and shame - he pathologizes the partner. He projects sickness unto her. Through the intricate mechanism of projective identification he forces her to play an emergent role of "the sick" or "the weak" or "the naive" or "the dumb" or "the no good". What he denies in himself, what he is terrified of facing in his own personality - he attributes to others and moulds them to conform to his prejudices against himself.

The Narcissist MUST have THE best of everything he covets, the MOST glamorous, stunning, talented, head turning, mind boggling spouse in the WORLD. Nothing short of this fantasy will do. He will mold you into his perfection or you will be sorry for not conforming! To compensate for the shortcomings of his real life spouse - he invents an idealized figure and relates to it instead. Then, when reality conflicts too often and too roughly with the ideal figure - he reverts to devaluation. His behavior turns on a dime and becomes threatening, demeaning, contemptuous, berating, reprimanding, destructively critical and sadistic - or cold, unloving, detached, "clinical". He punishes his real life spouse for not living up to his standards as personified in his Galathea, in his Pygmalion, in his ideal creation. The Narcissist plays a wrathful and demanding God.

Moving On
To preserve one's mental health - one must abandon the narcissist. One must move on. Moving on is a process, not a decision or an event. First, we have to acknowledge and accept reality. It is a volcanic, shattering, agonizing series of little, nibbling, thoughts and strong, voluptuous resistances. The battle won, harsh and painful realities assimilated, we can move on to the learning phase.

We label. We assemble material. We gather knowledge. We compare experiences. We digest. We have insights. Then we decide and we act. This is "to move on". Having gathered sufficient emotional sustenance, support t and confidence - we leave to face the battlefields of our relationships, fortified and nurtured. This stage characterizes those who do not mourn - but fight; do not grieve - but replenish their self esteem; do not hide - but seek; do not freeze - but move on.

Grieving
After being betrayed and abused - we grieve. We grieve for the image we had of the traitor and abuser - the image that was so fleeting and so wrong. We mourn the damage he did to us. We experience the fear of never being able to love or to trust again - and we grieve this loss. In one stroke, we lost someone we trusted and even loved, we lost our trusting and loving selves and we lost the trust and love that we felt. Can anything be worse?

The emotional process of grieving is multiphased. At first, we are dumbfounded, shocked, inert, immobile. We play dead to avoid our inner monsters. We are ossified in our pain, cast in the mould of our reticence and fears. Then we feel enraged, indignant, rebellious and hateful. Then we accept. Then we cry. And then - some of us - learn to forgive and to pity but never return to a demeaning monster. And this is called healing.

ALL stages are absolutely necessary and good. It is bad NOT to rage back, not to shame those who shamed us, to deny, to pretend, to evade. But it is equally as bad to stay like this forever. Permanent grieving is the perpetuation of our abuse by other means. By endlessly recreating our harrowing experiences, we unwillingly and defiantly collaborate with our abuser to perpetuate his or her evil deeds. It is by moving on that we defeat our abuser, minimizing him and his importance in our lives. It is by loving and by trusting anew that we annul that which was done to us. To forgive is never to forget. But to remember is not necessarily to re-live.

Forgiving and Forgetting
Forgiving is an important capability. It does more for the forgiver than for the forgiven. But, to my mind, it should not be a universal, indiscriminate behaviour. I think it is legitimate not to forgive sometimes. It depends, of course, on the severity or duration of what was done to you. In general, it is unwise and counter-productive, in my view, to establish "universal" and "immutable" principles in life. Life is too chaotic to succumb to rigid principles. Sentences, which start with "I never" are either not very credible or, worse, they lead to self-defeating, self- restricting and self-destructive behaviours.

Conflicts are an important and integral part of life. One should never seek them out willingly - but when confronted with a conflict, one should not avoid it. It is through conflicts and adversity inasmuch as through care and love that we grow.
Human relationships are dynamic. We must assess our friendships, partnerships, even marriages periodically. The past is insufficient in itself to sustain a healthy, nourishing, supportive, caring and compassionate relationship. It is a good pre-condition, perhaps a necessary one - but not a sufficient one. We must gain and regain our friendships on a daily basis. Human relationships are a constant test of allegiance and empathy.

Remaining Friends with the Narcissist(IMPORTANT)
But can't we act civilized and remain on friendly terms with our narcissist ex? Never forget that Narcissists (full fledged ones) are nice to others if: 
(1) They want something - narcissistic supply, help, support, votes,  money... They prepare the ground, manipulate you and then come out with the "small favour" they need or ask you blatantly or surreptitiously for narcissistic supply ("what did you think about my performance..." "do you think that I really deserve the Nobel Prize?").
(2) They feel threatened and they want to neuter the threat by smothering it with oozing pleasantries.
(3) They have just been infused with an overdose of narcissistic supply and they feel magnanimous and magnificent and ideal and perfect. To show magnanimity is a way of flaunting one's impeccable divine credentials. It is an act of grandiosity. You are an irrelevant prop in this spectacle, a mere receptacle of the narcissist's overflowing, self-contented infatuation with his False Self.

This beneficence is transient. Perpetual victims often tend to "thank God for little graces" (God being the narcissist). This is the Stockholm syndrome: hostages tend to emotionally identify with the terrorists rather than with the police. We are grateful to our abusers and tormentors for ceasing their hideous activities and letting us breathe for a while.

Some people say that they prefer to live with narcissists, to cater to their needs and to succumb to their whims because this is the way they have been conditioned. It is only with narcissists that they feel alive, stimulated and excited. The world glows in Technicolor in the presence of a narcissist and decays to sepia colours in his absence.
I see nothing inherently "wrong" with that if you can handle the heat and understand you will always be undervalued and unloved. The test is this: If a person were to constantly humiliate and abuse you verbally using Archaic Chinese - would you have felt humiliated and abused? Probably not. Some people have been conditioned by the narcissistic primary objects in their lives (parents or caregivers) to treat narcissistic abuse as Archaic Chinese, to turn a deaf ear. This technique is effective in that it allows the "inverted narcissist" (the narcissist's willing mate) to experience only the good aspects of living with a narcissist: his sparkling intelligence, the constant drama and excitement, his lack of intimacy and emotional attachment (some people prefer this). Every now and then the narcissist breaks into abusive Archaic Chinese, so what, who understands Archaic Chinese anyway?
I have only one nagging doubt, though:
If so rewarding, why are inverted narcissists so unhappy, so ego-dystonic, so in need of help (professional or otherwise)? Aren't they victims who simply experience the Stockholm Syndrome (=identifying with the kidnapper rather than with the Police)?

Narcissists and Abandonment
Narcissists are terrified of being abandoned exactly as codependents and Borderlines are. BUT Their solution is different.

Codependents cling. Borderlines are emotionally labile and react disastrously to the faintest hint of being abandoned. Narcissists FACILITATE the abandonment. They subconsciously MAKE SURE that they are abandoned and then they can blame their victim for the failure of the relationship-besides they are basically perfect and they believe they are in complete control of their own mind and will!

This way they secure the achievement of two goals:
(1) Getting it over with - The narcissist has a very low threshold of tolerance to uncertainty and inconvenience, emotional or material. Narcissists are very impatient and "spoiled". They cannot delay gratification OR impending doom. They must have it all NOW, good or bad.

(2) By bringing the feared abandonment about, the narcissist can lie to himself persuasively. It is always someone else's fault!

Why the Failing Relationships?
Narcissists HATE happiness and joy and ebullience and vivaciousness in their victims - in short, they hate life itself. The roots of this bizarre propensity can be traced to a few psychological dynamics, which operate concurrently (it is very confusing to be a narcissist):

First, there is pathological envy.
The Narcissist is constantly envious of other people: their successes, their property, their character, their education, their children, their ideas, the fact that they can feel, their good mood, their past, their future, their present, their spouses, their mistresses or lovers, their location...

Almost ANYTHING can be the trigger of a bout of biting, acidulous envy. But there is nothing, which reminds the narcissist more of the totality of his envious experiences than happiness. Narcissists lash out at happy people out of their own deprivation.

Then there is narcissistic hurt.
The narcissist regards himself as the center of the world and the lives of those surrounding him. He is the source of all emotions, responsible for all developments, positive and negative alike, the axis, the prime cause, the only cause, the mover, the shaker, the broker, the pillar, forever indispensable. It is therefore a bitter and sharp rebuke to this grandiose fantasy to see someone else happy. It confronts the narcissist with a reality outside the realm of his fantasies. It painfully serves to illustrate to him that he is but one of many causes, phenomena, triggers and catalysts. That there are things happening outside the orbit of his control or initiative.

The narcissist uses projective identification. He feels bad through other people, his proxies. He induces unhappiness and gloom in others to enable him to experience his own misery. Inevitably, he attributes the source of such sadness either to himself, as its cause - or to the "pathology" of the sad person.

Though he is the chronically depressed partner, "You are constantly draining me. I do all the work in this relationship." is a common sentence. The narcissist - in an effort to maintain the depressive state until it serves some cathartic purposes - strives to perpetuate it by sowing constant reminders of its existence. If the Narcissistic decides to show any pity for his victim, it is usually an under-handed  slap in the face type of comment.  "You look sad/bad/pale today. Is anything wrong? Even though he perpetrated the wrong-he takes no blame. Can I help you? Things haven't been going so well, ah? That is because you are not in step with me, you are never satisfied, you lag behind complaining all the time about one little thing I do wrong."  "You would be happier if you just trust me more."

Last but not least is the exaggerated fear of losing control. The narcissist feels that he controls his human environment mostly by manipulation and mainly by emotional extortion and distortion. This is not far from reality. He suppresses any sign of emotional autonomy. He feels threatened and belittled by an emotion fostered not by him or by his actions directly or indirectly. Counteracting someone else's happiness is the narcissist's way of reminding everyone: I am here, I am omnipotent, you are at my mercy and you will feel happy only when I tell you to.

I thought I had done this when I wrote this, but I guess it was somehow left off. At any rate almost all of the above is by Dr. Sam Vaknim. Please look at the following url and listen to Sam talk about how to spot a Narcissist?
https://www.youtube.com/user/samvaknin

See you next blog,
Ted

Comments

  1. U hit the nail on the head with every last detail!

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  2. You hit the nail on the head down to every last detail!

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  3. Please stay safe. Narcissist crave control!

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  4. There should be a website where Narcissist are named~wouldn't that be wow~"tick this name if you've been used,abused by him/her"~ might just save a few from years of trauma!!

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    1. The problem would be lawsuits for libel and slander if it could not be proven these individuals were truly SPOUSAL ABUSERS. I don't know that it would be a bad thing to publish convicted spouse abusers names.

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    2. The last paragraph was a word for word recount of my ex-husband. I think what is most disturbing is how calculated they are. Very few see this side and you are made to be the crazy with an over exaggerated mind. The biggest clue was the fact that he always had several "girlfriends" to help the ego. Still trying to recover from this 10 year hell. Cost me everything to get out, but staying was destroying me.

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    3. The last paragraph was an exact statement that was made to me from my ex husband...to the last sentence! Amazing how textbook this is...and how much wreckage he left in his path. What amazes me the most is how he keeps it under wraps from so many people and portrays his mate as the crazy one..I left everything to get out from under this wheel of torture.

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    4. Jen, I am so sorry you had to endure this. At least you recognized what was happening to you and got out. So many of the abused cave in and stay thinking this is their only recourse. They begin to believe they really are the problem and that if they do everything just right they will be loved. The abusers are so good at manipulation that even though these victims are severely abused at times they try to hang on to the good days and convince themselves that the situation will change. I hope you blog your story. Many are just too afraid...stay safe.

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    5. Reading this was like reading about my spouse of 25 years. I am in the angry phase...I hope Karma bites him in the ass. And I am there to watch it.

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    6. Wow, this article really touched my heart, my ex matches everything you all describe. I don't want to go into a terribly long rant about how bad the abuse was but I was raped, spit on and punched and that isn't even the tip of the iceberg. It can be hard seeing how he got a new girl pregnant and she used her blog to show how much better she was than me(direct attacks) while admitting he is a narc but treats her like gold because she "isn't a child like I am". I was dumb when I tried to warn her and it resulted in her destroying the rest of me, gas lighting the hell out of me and making fun of every single thing my ex had told her about me after he let her see hundreds of hand picked messages I had sent in my hysteria. I wish I had listened to my intuition sooner, funny how his mom and family/friends think he's such a nice guy.

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    7. Anonymous, that is how it works. They are so good at convincing others how nice they are. Wipe the dust off your feet and start your life over, more importantly don't look back or allow controlled regret send you back into your ex's prison. Trust God for the rest of your life and ask Him to lead you carefully because there many more out there. One of the problems of being abused is that it shows and Narcissists are very intuitive.

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  5. I'm very worried for my daughter and her children. Last April she left her N husband for the third and last time. The abuse of her and the kids and drug and alcohol abuse too. Now they are in child custody negotiations. The more truth that comes out the more angry and verbally abusive he becomes. Last night he was hiding in the bushes outside my home. The problem is that my daughter won't listen to or react to his verbal abuse any longer. I worry about where he will take this since she isn't giving him what he wants. Also she is working to minimize the amount of time he can be with his kids.

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  6. Did u plagarise sam vaknim or did he you.. ?you quote his videos on YouTube verbatim...

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    1. No one plagiarized anyone...however thank you for reminding me to make it clearer where this particular material came from. If you have read the rest of my post you will see that I always gvie credit where credit is do to authorship.

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  7. I am trying to leave my narcissist husband of two years. I started really observing him biting my tongue in Sept. He has cheated many times, seemingly as soon as he had an opportunity. He denies everything always. A plethora of on line connections, relationships. I'm crazy,he's very violent. I'm at my families house. His front self is so perfected.He is so vain. I just now today realized the no contact strategy. He will not try to contact me, I know this from experience,while he pursues his other narcissist supplies. I'm sure he expects me back by the end of the week. I feel stronger, now that that I know how deceiptful he is. I'm afraid of being sucked back in honestly. When should I expect the pity play? And what should I be wary of. It all makes sense now, why he behaves the way he does. Po

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    1. Usually the pleading and begging to return starts when the narcissist is sure you are not returning to their control. They hate being discovered for what they are and will usually go to some extreme to maintain control if pleading does not bring results. Please be careful...make sure you have an exit strategy that involves safety among friends and/or family where you cannot be contacted until you choose to be in contact and always meet some place safe-a police station is a nice place to meet or somewhere close to one and never alone.

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  8. I encountered one of these creatures and actually fell in love with what I thought he was. BIG MISTAKE. As soon as I had to leave him for personal reasons - our love began abroad and I had to go home to my own country, job, family, etc. - he was done with me. But there was no "Thank you, I wish you the best" - oh no. He kept feeding me little crumbs during our last few weeks together, only to devalue me over, and over and over. To dehumanize me. To insult me to my core. This whole time, I was feeling the guilt for hurting him. I am currently working a 12-step program for codependents, which is helping me cope with how this happened and make sure it doesn't happen again. He is a horrific beast and I finally had to block him after he sent me photo after photo of the women he claims to have LEFT ME for. Unfortunately, I have the chance of running into this emotional vampire due to my professional activities (which I am NOT giving up because of him) and I do not know how I am going to deal with him if I see him. Please give me any tips. I know he will make me out to be "crazy" and whatever else and try to stop my advancement at every turn. When I finally did leave, I found out that he had been working his manipulative control over other people to prevent me from getting the acknowledgment and opportunities that I deserved - even when he claimed to be in love with me. I just need advice on how to keep cool if I have to interact with him and not come out on the losing end of this. I will not let him bully me out of my dreams.

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    1. Anonymous you need to be seeing a private counselor that you can call when you feel you will encounter this individual. A counselor that is very knowledgeable about Narcissism. He really can't take away your dignity or your poise if you will not let him. You see their power comes from how they make you feel and react. They HATE no reaction to their control. I hope you understand how important it is to see a counselor to work through the history and specific issues. More importantly learn not to react to seeing him or accepting his manipulations. Anything that is a "hot button" to you is what you need to work on. God Bless and keep you safe.
      Ted

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    2. Thank you, Ted. I know you are right. I didn't mention that I have been seeing a therapist for about 8 months now - one who has personal experience with narcissists. She was the one who diagnosed him to me and helped me realize what had happened after I had returned and developed a major drinking problem. I am working through my issues of having an inferiority complex and not loving myself enough. Working through some very severe insecurities that I have that he really thrust in my face. I thought I had gotten past some of this stuff, but really he somehow extracted my biggest fears, my biggest insecurities and my biggest flaw - lack of trust and respect for myself. The narcissist was also a drug abuser, and I ended up falling into that world with him. So, now I am completely 100% sober from everything and I know that will make a huge difference. I agree with you - it is necessary to work with a therapist who is experienced with narcissism. WIthout her, I could still be reeling from this far more than I am. It was her encouragement that lead me to block him even though I still held hope that he would stop being such an ass and that we could get along professionally. Now I see how sick he is. I am going to see some of his colleagues later this week - I haven't seen anyone from his circle in about a year. Some of them have expressed to me that they do not appreciate how controlling and crazy he is. My therapist has suggested that I do not divulge too much about my personal life to them, as it will surely make it back to him. But, she also says that it doesn't really matter what I say or do and that I do not need to worry about how to please him anymore - because there is no way possible. He loathes me now and no matter what I do, that will never change his opinion. Nor do I want to ever change his opinion - because I want nothing to do with him! I know all you said is true, it's hard to accept that I actually have that much power. The power lies within - and confronting my insecurities and even embracing them - having compassion for them. So that when he inevitably tries to exploit them, they aren't being dug up from someplace where I feel the need to defend. I need to just keep walking and keep my eye on the prize - which is for me to have a healthy, happy, sane life void of people like him.

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    3. Again you're power is in giving the Narcissist nothing to respond to. They truly hate being ignored as if they never existed. Like you said, keep your eye on the prize, a healthy, happy future void of those kinds of toxic people. Godspeed on your journey.

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    4. Ted, thank you again for your responses. I have been avoiding this creature though he did contact me through a fake email address recently to ask how I was doing. I ignored and blocked that address. Will it ever end? He seems to enjoy going several months of silence and then contact me out of the blue. In this case, it was shortly after I saw one of his former very good friends/business partners who says they are no longer friends nor business partners. When he asked me if I had heard from the narc, I said that I don't speak to him anymore and that I had to block him. About a week later (roughly after 6 months of contact) received an email from him. I did not respond, and within two days one of his friends posted a picture of the narc and the woman he "left me" for embraced in a passionate kiss. This kind of coincidence has happened before when I didn't respond to him in an adequate period of time. I feel that he tries to punish me. The one thing that I can't quite get out of my head is ... is he treating this woman badly as well? Will he?

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    5. Narcissist never change, but they can change tactics. I don't know all the details of how you were treated but most Narcissist start out very charming and when they feel they have just the right amount of hold over their SUPPLY they pounce. Subtle at first for most and then tightening the reins as time goes along. Remember what the goal is. You must stop all contact, care, concern about this sick individual or you will end up being his SUPPLY for the rest of your life. STOP! Turn around and go the OTHER WAY NOW...FOREVER! Get help from your counselor if you have trouble doing this...being honest with yourself. Don't concern yourself with the other woman...not your responsibility. Please hear me on this.

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    6. Thank you, Ted.

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  9. I just keep repeating 2 mantras to myself when he is around. I get on with what I'm doing and say over and over in my head "I am not a fish" (he cannot reel me in!) and " I cant react or speak to a dead person." The only way to go is no contact at all, no reaction at all. Practice a poker face and keep the chants going in your head till he goes away. It gets easier with time, as you heal and he becomes less relevant in your life. Just stay vigilant and be aware of his potential.

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    1. Pastor David Orrison puts it beautifully in perspective:

      Perhaps more than others, narcissists understand the value of power. If you have no power, others can hurt you. The power of others over them is, in many cases, the factor that moved them to protect themselves by narcissistic behavior. And narcissistic behavior is all about power.

      Think of the things that make a person feel powerful. Knowing a secret, holding a higher position, greater physical strength, greater influence, a higher intelligence, etc. These are all things toward which narcissists strive. For the narcissist, it isn’t about being strong, but about being stronger. It isn’t about looking good, it is about looking better. The power position is the one the narcissist wants.

      This is why the narcissist chafes under authority—and exactly why authority is so important in the life of a narcissist. It is why the narcissist hates your boundaries—and why your boundaries are so important. It is why the narcissist fears truly coming into relationship with God—and why coming into relationship with God is the key to health for the narcissist.

      So this explains some things and offers some ideas. First, children of narcissists often find themselves going from one narcissistic relationship to another in their adult lives. They have never learned that life can have power. They simply adapt to whatever new oppressor comes along. This is why learning boundaries is so vital.

      Second, narcissists can be controlled. They fear power. They may hate it, but they will yield to it. The husband who speaks disparagingly about the police when he speeds down the road will be amazingly docile when the patrolman is standing at his car door. The serial killer, when finally caught, gives up peacefully and becomes a model prisoner. Many victims of narcissists have noted how their narcissist completely reverses his attitude and behavior at certain times. Often this is because he recognizes a greater power.

      Third, as long as the narcissist has power over someone, he is getting his supply. He needs to be superior. When he feels powerless, he becomes afraid and vulnerable. He may recede into depression as a way of hiding.

      The Christian in a narcissistic relationship should pray for brokenness. We have talked about that before. The narcissist may need to come to the end of his resources in order to begin to understand that there is Someone who loves him. Be prepared to go for a ride, because the ability of the narcissist to deny and manipulate is amazing. (But you knew that.)

      One more thing: the narcissist is already a small, fearful, broken person hiding behind a monster he uses to keep people away and control them. He has created this “alter-ego,” and it may be the only thing you know about him. It is this “Mr. Hyde” that needs to be broken. And when the screen falls, the great “Wizard of Oz” is shown to be an ordinary little man.

      You may not be able to knock the screen down to reveal the truth. You might be too weak or too compromised. But God can do it. Pray for that. There is a Higher Power than the Narcissist that haunts you.

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    2. Beautiful and wonderful to keep in mind. God bless.

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  10. I believe the father of my kids is a narcissist. Prior to me leaving him, he made a drastic change. He blamed me for every single thing that went wrong in his life. He stopped bringing our daughter to school but was upset if I asked others for help. I even moved to a new home closer to my job so I walked to work. I then changed my daughter's school despite his refusal so she could catch the bus in our district. This made him angry. He kept saying he would change back to himself but nothing got better, sometimes he would come home late or not at all. He had lost his income so I was paying every bill as I felt it was my responsibility to take care of my family until things got better for him. Instead of appreciating me, he begin to disrespect me more. This is someone I had been with for 13 yrs so I couldn't understand his behavior, my thoughts were another woman, depression, and drugs due to his behavior and new friends. He talked about me horribly behind my back to everyone lying saying that he paid all the bills while I nagged him. Meanwhile I paid everything and my only argument was that he was never home anymore and it was clear that he no longer loved his family anymore. Prior to me leaving and relocating to another state I learned I was pregnant in which I later learned he was denying our soon. I left him all of the furniture and slept on the floor for months pregnant with his baby until I was able to reestablish myself. I became extremely depressed because I couldn't understand why he was treating me and even our daughter so horribly. He told people I was a cheater, a thief, and I wouldn't let him see or speak to our daughter. None of this was true. For 13 yrs I remained faithful to him and he was my first and only partner so to hear him think of me so negatively hurt me so deeply. I ended up losing our soon one month shy of his arrival. He came to the funeral and posted pics on social media asking for prayers and his son was a jr. He also posted pics of my daughter and myself claiming to love and miss us meanwhile he was treating us horribly. I don't understand why he pretended to the world when he also talked about me negatively to everyone we knew. I'm still very deeply hurt and it's been a year since this occurred. I know I didn't do anything to deserve this but it still makes me question myself. I never imagined he would abandon or neglect our daughter but will consistently post photos on social media confessing his love for her. And proclaiming he misses her. Then he gets upset that he's not included on her page. I had to block him because the way he's behaving isn't fair to her and it's not right. He's pretending meanwhile we are the ones experiences confused and mixed emotions due to his odd behavior. It really hurts.

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    1. EndlessLove, I had to OK your post before putting it up here. I review all of them before posting. While I cannot counsel you directly, what I am going to suggest is wisdom for you to heed.
      Your ex is need of long-term mental health care. He is a narcissist by all definition and if not completely, certainly mostly pathological, which makes him dangerous to you and your child. I hope you are no longer seeing him for any reason. Your daughter should see him only under strict guidelines even if that means you have to go to court to change shared custody rules if she is a minor. I also recommend you and your daughter see a counselor in order to deal with the trauma you and she have been through. What he has done all these years has a cumulative effect on both of you. Please consider this advice. You and your daughter have been through more than you realize. Your counselor will more than likely advise to stop all contact with your ex.

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    2. I have been in a relationship with a narcissist. Your article describes it so the point! It's kinda shocking to know what had really happened all those years. I'm super happy that I was able to get out before he really was going to drain all the life out of me.

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    3. My dear lady - I did not have the same situation as you, but was with a narcissist. He lied about me to our friends, etc. I own my own home (he lived with his mother) and was telling everyone I was trying to get him to pay my mortgage, etc. You know what the only good part to come out of that part of it was? People knew better. I had always held myself with honor, grace, and integrity. He was running around telling these outlandish stories (he's going to pay my mortgage when he lives with his mother?) and in the end, no one really believed him. They may listen to him while he tells his interesting spin on things. In the meantime, they see and know how I am, how I am right and fair with people and conduct myself trying to do the right thing, how I have taken care of myself and have been a hard worker. The people that know you will be able to see through his big grandiose displays. Don't even worry about at least that part of it. Take care and may God guide you through this.

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  11. Need help if anyone can give advice to this post...my ex narc hole is a pathological liar. He is a womanizer, a mind rapist, and emotional and financial predator. He uses women for their $, sex, and to cater to him only. He has no true feelings for anyone. He screws up everyones credit, he abuses all his business partners $. They have no since x nayed him out of multiple businesses because of his lack of respect and overspending. He drinks whenever, parties on weekends, but likes to appear like Mr. God-fearing Christian Daddy and Husband of the Year. Things are starting to catch up to him so he is playing the I love you need you card again. He cheated 2x! He rammed my credit into the ground, why do some of us even contemplate tolerating the BS? Thanks!

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  12. To Anonymous (on Dec. 14): You sound as if you could be my 'ex' Nars estranged wife, as well as myself! I feel she could be thinking/saying those exact things right about now. My 'ex' Nar walked out of our marriage of 23 years (Nov. '08) when he thought he had found the 'perfect' replacement (she is 20 years my junior!)...he had been seeing her for several months prior to the "walk out". He had cheated on me for our entire marriage (even slept with my SISTER!!!). I was actually the one that chose to initiate the divorce because my 'higher power' finally stepped in to help me realize the horrible trap I had been in and needed to get out of. I had him served with the legal divorce papers in early February and he was engaged to the younger woman on Feb. 14 (of course!!). The divorce was final in Sept. and they were married the following May. I discovered that she left him in early August of 2015 (they had been married 5 years and had a 'manufactured' set of twins...by IVF). Everything in his world started to deteriorate in 2012 and by mid 2015 he has lost EVERYTHING (2 families, 4 jobs, huge income, Yacht, cars, credit score...literally EVERYTHING). Karma really decided to let loose on him (YAY). He was in an accident (that he caused) and got a DUI at that time as well; his home is in Foreclosure; he was detained in a mental facility in PA (where the new wife moved back to) because I'm sure they had an altercation while he was there; their marriage was extremely tumultuous (our grown children have witnessed many instances of it); he owes several creditors A LOT of money, including the IRS; he is 52 years old and is now living with his mother! Karma DOES work and I believe whole-heartedly that I channeled Karma to work for me and it absolutely DID!!! I hope Karma steps in for everyone who has suffered at the hands of a Narcissit...it really helps to know that they get what they deserve!

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  13. This is so informative, thank you. I'm still in a process of healing and healing. Just grateful to be still alive though my narc wishes me dead. I'm from South Africa.

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  14. I really enjoy reading your posts, but can I suggest that you change your font color to black instead of gray for easier reading?

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  15. I enjoy your blog. But can I suggest you change your font color to black instead of gray for easier, user-friendly reading?

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    1. Thank you for your input I hope this is much more readable...

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  16. My narc ex broke up w me because i laughed at his friend's joke. He was there when his friend and i was talking which lasted for less than a minute. When i arrived home, he just texted me that he couldn't be with me anymore because accdg to him "your smile and your happiness is for public"

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  17. This is a phenomenal post. And I have read too many.

    Almost through divorcing what I believe to be a malignant narcissist, after 22 year marriage and three kids. It wasn't until I suspected an affair with his employee that his true character started to really become evident. He had always been selfish and cruel, but he became much more verbally and eventually physically abusive. But not bad enough to press charges... I believe these guys are the worst when they start to lose control.

    I filed for divorce without proof of the affair (I have it now) but based on the abuse. He hoovered like no ones business in an attempt to keep me (trophy wife) and protect his image. But with my filing it caused a cascade of trouble for him and I at times was quite fearful.

    I still am, however more for my kids and how he may try to manipulate them. They don't like him, he was always a lousy dad, but are easily intimidated, and for good reason.

    The tactics my husband has used to cover his ass (this affair is quite embarrassing for him, as she isn't close to the level of image he believes he deserves) have been unbelievable. He has tried to call me a drug addict, and a cheater. I am neither. But the problem lies with his convincing demeanor... So smear campaign is well underway. I am resigned to handling it with class, not reacting, however I refuse to allow him to walk all over me and expect me to disappear from our social circle. This is a fine line to walk, to avoid the drama, but we will see in the end.

    One important point: I used a VAR to discover who my husband really is. My intent was to prove the affair, but the VAR uncovered a disgusting character, laden with sexual topics and ridiculous lies that floored me, and left me scratching my head. Once I put the puzzle pieces together it was clear how disturbed he was. So, please... If you really want to understand how sick these people are, just start recording conversations they have in the car... It will convince you of the reality of narcissists.

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    1. You have absolutely spoken the truth. Unfortunately Narcissists are very good at hiding just how devilish they really are...even the abused protect their image rather than call a rat a rat!

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  18. I initiated the breakup with my N. He immediately began the silent treatment. I actually wanted to remain friends with this guy and could not understand what going silent on me meant. I ended the relationship after a year because of his selfishness. I totally blindsided him. We have to be around each other occasionally, and he is always very polite, until I get that stare. I never knew what a N was, and after researching silent treatment, I am shocked I lasted a whole year. I initiated no contact and it's hard to accept I allowed myself to be used by him. That's the pain I'm dealing with, the shame of being his supply.

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    1. Yes that is definitely part of the payback, as is the stare that says "how could you do this to me?" The best course is the one you took...no contact ever again!

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  19. I am leaving my Narc. he does not know it, yet perhaps only on some weird..."what is happening level" where he feels disquiet. I must do this when he does not know. My Narc is highly unstable, as they all are, but my has an added psychosis of Alcoholism, STD's HIV, dementia, fathering a child with his daughter and being a pedophile since he was 9. So I must be silent as a ship in the night...or my life is at stake. I am moving about 60 miles away and doing in home care and not being in my usual occupation. I will protect myself and those I love dearly.
    There is so much love out there and I have just touched upon a small bite of it...my head is spinning with the possibilities....

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  20. My soon to be ex Narc attacked me soon after the purchase of our first home last June(the first home I've ever been able to call my own since I was 6 years old. He knew how much this meant to me), and tried to brainwash and turn my daughter against me. He saw the perfect chance to use and abuse me for pure amusement. Well the jokes on him. I started recording his abusive monologs on my cell phone. Caught him admitting to abuse and fraudulent activities as well as warped manipulations and compulsive lies. Seeing that we are strapped for cash because of the new home purchase and his compulsive spending, my family is funding my divorce. He doesnt have a penny to fight me. I've got my foot on his throat. I never realized the extent of his abuse....never realized he was a compulsive liar(I knew he had and issue with honesty). I see things for what that are now. 15 years with this abuser....he's going to regret his actions. No supply and financial ruin I'm going to enjoy watching him skwerm.

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  21. Also, if you try to leave be careful, my ex started choking me out, they will do anything to break your willpower. My ex also said I was not a Christian if I divorced and said I would burn in hell if I tried to get out. Do not let these people take your freedom away, your life is worth more than to be tortured and battered, your body, mind and soul are precious.

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  23. I'm Sonia Ortega dating narcissist and still in denial. He loves only one person and repeated her name while with me.

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    1. http://talesfromted.blogspot.com/2015/06/where-does-power-of-narcissist-lie.html

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  24. My husband spent the first 4 years of our marriage belittling me and insulting me and making me somehow feel guilty for falling short as a wife and a mother and in my career... i decided to leave him and when he realized it was at that point, he made some actual changes in terms of his anger and attacks on me - HOWEVER, his dissatisfaction with me, and life in general, led him to then take calculated steps to link up with a very vulnerable other woman, who he would first introduce as an employee of our business and a housekeeper - who he spent all day, every day with. He then forced me into a situation where he wanted this woman to essentially be a second wife - that we would share. We have 5 kids. We have 3 teenage girls and 2 young boys. He brought this woman into our home, infront of the kids, coerced relationships to develop between the kids and this woman, and then sprung it on me that she would play this 2nd wife role within our marriage - including in the bedroom. At this point, my disillusionment and anger get chastised as being ungrateful for his grand plan and all the hard work he and this woman do for the family - around the house, in the business etc.. And i later learn that he and she had independently got physical long before I was told of this plan of his. And they continued. My refusal to accept 'the plan' was thrown in my face as being unappreciative and as a failure to understand him and his needs. There are SO many small details and intricacies to this story, it's too long to post here.
    So, i announce we are separated, i deliver separation papers - which he has yet to sign.. and he is now fighting tooth and nail to 'win me back' and he puts it in terms of - if I would just work with him, do the work, to repair our marriage, we'd be happy etc... and he tells me not to "throw this all away" meaning the happy home for our kids.. (using the guilt tactic)... He never stops telling me how much he loves and misses me. It makes me seethe.
    I am scared of how he will react if I tell him what I really think, and strongly enforce a 'no-contact' rule other than regarding the kids. He has threatened suicide and he has alluded to giving up running the business, which only he can do, and which is our main source of income. Financial threats, threats of suicide ... and then the spouting of love and admiration ... he makes me feel like i am wearing a sweater made of live spiders and i can't get it off.

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  25. First of all, you know you are being manipulated with his threats of suicide. Believe me when I say...I doubt that, but even if he should how is that your fault. We are responsible for our own choices and actions. Would you raise your children not to be responsible for the things they might do no matter how terrible? Second you are bein manipulated in his so called conciliatory manner in stating how badly he wants the relationship to continue...of course he does! You are his Narcissistic supply, you were his first and believe you won't be his last. It is similar to vampire sucking blood to live...you are the blood.
    You need to seek a good counselor who is fully versed in dealing with malignant narcissism. Also you might consider divorce as opposed to separation. Talk to your counselor about it. Above all, do not let yourself be imprisoned by his need for supply (it is abuse in the gravest sense of the word).

    The Abuser's Reaction To Rebuke or Divorce
    https://www.blogger.com/blogger.g?blogID=6757984324907309241#editor/target=post;postID=8558134536663437674;onPublishedMenu=pendingcomments;onClosedMenu=pendingcomments;postNum=26;src=postname

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  26. I am trying to understand my ex. He was very loving and caring and gave me a lot of his attention and time which I returned. Things were easy and natural- that spark I've only read about (despite being married 12 years prior to this) We didn't push things fast, and didn't use the L word for several months. We had a huge fight he got a bit scary punching the wall and flipping furniture , I left told him to never come near me again. What followed was cards and letters, gifts, I love you, I'm so sorry, you know me, I'm not that guy... then I want to kill myself...then he improved and we were friends, we'd go see a movie every now and then. I took him back, he was promoted at work, we didn't have a ton of time together. we looked at a house to rent in September that was available in November, he got hurt at work and saving the $1500 needed by that time became iffy, I have 3 kids and knew with Christmas around the corner it wouldn't be smart to stretch anything in order to achieve this, so we said after Christmas.

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  27. Continued...I spent the night at his place on his bday end of September and after that he began to get distant and not willing to make plans. He was back to work, said he was tired then depressed and disappointed about not being able to move next month. I tried to be supportive and encouraging, and not push him, after more time went that I hadn't even seen him, I asked him what he wanted because I didn't feel like his girlfriend at all, or the girl he needed and loved so badly 4 months prior. Again he said depressed- not himself. So I said it might help to actually spend some time with me, but nothing so I told him I would not have this illusional relationship. We still talked a few times a week, he said he needed time to figure things out- he didn't know what he wanted. And so we didn't really speak much, I'd text him - he'd say how busy he is and end it. I felt like he just wanted to draw me back in to hurt me. But I believed he was just depressed and needed time. I texted him happy thanksgiving- he didn't respond. But he did deactivate me as a user on his Netflix. It bothered me that he obviously figured something out and didn't feel he owed me an explanation! After a few days of this bothering me, I reached out saying if you found out something you don't want anymore I think I deserve to know. Still no response. I decided i had to let go and wanted to give him the stuff back he left at my house, I was just going to leave it in his truck, or porch if he wasn't home. He was in his truck. He gave me this "I didn't respond cause I have nothing to say, I just don't see anything for us right now. The original break up and aftermath eats at me, I thought I could get past it but I can't" (my mom wasn't thrilled with him and how he behaved- and he says he hates her but I think he's embarrassed and ashamed to face her) he said he was finally doing better and in a good place. Then says after his injury he relapsed (suboxene- he was clean 3 years) and he was trying to ween off. I said goodbye- and the next day he changed his relationship status to in a relationship with this other girl since the end of October (pretty much when I said I wasn't going to be in an illusional relationship) so drugs, a new girl he never felt the need to tell me about- and she shared a picture tagging him about finding true love fighting for it, and he's so good to her. Now, he and I didn't move that fast, I think it's crazy they think they are this in love. Essentially he overlapped- keeping me on the back burner I suppose in case things didn't work with the new girl (which no doubt they would, I hate to be mean but she's a downgrade and has about 150 lbs on his 160llb self - I'm sure she devours and dishes out the need and want he obviously needs) what type of man is this?? Terribly sick? Narcissistic? Codependent? Love addict? I just feel frustrated and used and lied to, but is it a lie if he believes it at the time?

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    1. No there is nothing wrong with you. I married one. They honestly feel they can do no wrong. Excuses are a dime a dozen, they are compulsive lies. Just away as soon as you can. My husband who is a narcissistic had a dvd hidden of my autistic daughter and he was raping her. I had left her in his care when I went out of state. When I returned she would tell me he had a dirty mind and she did not want to be around. So I made a decision mother first wife second hardest thing for me and it shouldn't have been I have reported the rape and dvd and he was charged. Now I'm trying to just figure out how to deal with the fact the man I loved who I could not see a life without is something I have too do.

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  28. Thank you for posting this...I was abandoned on Christmas eve right before a trip home that he planned and i paid for. No reason given besides there is no pleasing you.. Previously he has said he wanted to break me so that he could help me. This is their twisted logic. I made him move out and since then i keep getting loving texts in the middle of the night. I am doing my best to not respond. This article is very encouraging for me personally. Thank you. Happy New Year. SZ

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    1. I can only encourage you not to reply because this is a common trap by Narcissists. The idea is to keep you on a string so he can get his supply from your weakness. I would recommend that you see a counselor instead and talk out the pain.
      Remember this part of the blog?
      Moving On
      To preserve one's mental health - one must abandon the narcissist. One must move on. Moving on is a process, not a decision or an event. First, we have to acknowledge and accept reality. It is a volcanic, shattering, agonizing series of little, nibbling, thoughts and strong, voluptuous resistances. The battle won, harsh and painful realities assimilated, we can move on to the learning phase.

      We label. We assemble material. We gather knowledge. We compare experiences. We digest. We have insights. Then we decide and we act. This is "to move on". Having gathered sufficient emotional sustenance, support t and confidence - we leave to face the battlefields of our relationships, fortified and nurtured. This stage characterizes those who do not mourn - but fight; do not grieve - but replenish their self esteem; do not hide - but seek; do not freeze - but move on.

      Grieving
      After being betrayed and abused - we grieve. We grieve for the image we had of the traitor and abuser - the image that was so fleeting and so wrong. We mourn the damage he did to us. We experience the fear of never being able to love or to trust again - and we grieve this loss. In one stroke, we lost someone we trusted and even loved, we lost our trusting and loving selves and we lost the trust and love that we felt. Can anything be worse?

      The emotional process of grieving is multiphased. At first, we are dumbfounded, shocked, inert, immobile. We play dead to avoid our inner monsters. We are ossified in our pain, cast in the mould of our reticence and fears. Then we feel enraged, indignant, rebellious and hateful. Then we accept. Then we cry. And then - some of us - learn to forgive and to pity but never return to a demeaning monster. And this is called healing.

      ALL stages are absolutely necessary and good. It is bad NOT to rage back, not to shame those who shamed us, to deny, to pretend, to evade. But it is equally as bad to stay like this forever. Permanent grieving is the perpetuation of our abuse by other means. By endlessly recreating our harrowing experiences, we unwillingly and defiantly collaborate with our abuser to perpetuate his or her evil deeds. It is by moving on that we defeat our abuser, minimizing him and his importance in our lives. It is by loving and by trusting anew that we annul that which was done to us. To forgive is never to forget. But to remember is not necessarily to re-live.
      Best wishes for a speedy recovery from this addiction-because that is what they do...

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    2. Thank you,Ted. I feel i read this article at exactly the right time. This decision is the culmination of a two year roller coaster ride that included lots of name calling, threatening, silent treatment, and physical violence. We went to two counselors for our relationship and it usually just made it worse. Especially I brought up my hunch that he suffered from a possible personality disorder. I think I understand the depths he will go to make me miserable now. I believe you are absolutely correct that no contact is best. Thanks again for your help! - SZ

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    4. I encourage you to read Out Of The Fog. It is put together by a team of specialists who are well versed on personality disorders. http://outofthefog.website/top-10-myths/ and http://outofthefog.website/top-100-trait-blog/2015/12/20/the-abuser-profile

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  29. Thank you, Ted. I was rereading this article again and was thinking about your comment about talking to the abused partner until blue in the face. I think the main reason a narcissist picks a certain person is because of high levels of empathy. They realize they are going to need someone that is able to connect deeply, to not run away at the first sign of trouble. Also, there may not be much difference between a sociopath and NPD. I believe there is a lot of overlap. Sociopath seem to have high levels of cognitive empathy while lacking any connection to emotional type empathy. That gives him a distinct advantage in the relationship. Knowing what to say and do to get the other hooked emotionally while staying cold and disconnected for those times when everything blows up. - sz

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  30. SZ, the hardest thing you will ever do is break off a relationship with a Narcissist. They can be so charming and convincing that you can actually begin to doubt their part of the problem and start focusing on you as the problem. They are masters at crazy-making! I was married to one and I know exactly what you are going through. As a Nouthetic(Biblical) Counselor, I knew what the problem was, but for a couple of years I was helpless to really do anything about it because I was so very in love with her. I could not imagine my life without her. One day another counselor/friend said that I had become a very dependent personality. I am combat vet and that was one thing I never was...until then. Recognizing the problem and dealing with the problem are two very different things. You are at the dealing stage, SZ. Don't turn back go forward realizing the dangers out there. We have somehow managed to raise a generation of Narcissists. There are good men out there, but you need to heal. Don't jump right into a relationship and above all seek counsel! Read everything you can get your hands about Narcissism and dependent personality types. Be honest with yourself above all. You're gonna make it if you do this.

    http://outofthefog.website/traits/

    http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/articles/narcissism-understood.

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  31. I am caretaker type. If i see an injured squirrel i will take it to the vet. It is just my nature. Also, i have a high tolerance for pain which is helpful in some ways and unhelpful in others. I don't realize sometimes how much discomfort/suffering i am actually enduring/absorbing. I will keep on researching. Thanks again. - sz

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  32. After reading so much about what a narcissist is I am 100% convinced my same sex partner of 20 years is one. It is a strange relief to learn this as it answers so many things that never made sense. The roller coaster and the absolute and complete denial, deflection, lack of intimacy and empathetic connection. Basically never showing any vulnerability what so ever when there was risk. Only it appears safe. I could be on deaths door and still she would not show any true inner vulnerability. I find that so sad. I am close to leaving and we are discussing it now and I will not back down in confronting her with the truth. I am detaching to the crazy making responses even though their steadfast defiance is so remarkably almost insanity like while they appear to speak calmly and rationally. The facade never cracks and you will never here the words "I need you" or "I am sorry" just does not exist even though you know they do need you. Its so sad. But yet sadder still that I let myself feel more empathy for them than I do for myself. I am about to leave getting my plan in order and I hope I can start loving myself again. Its just so hard to watch someone you love speak to you with such manufactured detachment to real feelings when you know inside they are suffocating from from their own loneliness. Funny, well not so funny, that's exactly what happens to you trying to love them. Cross your fingers for me I do the right thing.
    Sally

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  33. After a total of 15 years together,multiple breakups or better put "discarding of me", constant manipulation and feeling like every other time I was discarded by this sick person... vulnerable, drained, guilty, unworthy and filled with questions as to what I could have done different to make this relationship better. I was having a conversation with a fr8end about my separation and it was then that she said to me, "it sounds to me like you have been abused by a narcissit, read up on it". I did and finally after much research and understanding I came to the reality that there was nothing I could have done different. I was in his Web and doomed had I stayed. I now feel free, no guilt and 100% sure of who I am again. I make it a point daily to continue to educate myself about narcissists as I fight allowing dount and guilt to take over me again. It's a constant needed therapy for me to know there was nothing I could have done different. His abuse had nothing to do with me.

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    1. Please seek out a therapist who deals with Malignant Narcissism. I can't and won't do this long distance because of accountability reasons. I promise it will help to talk to an expert who understands their sickness...

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  34. I am married to this type of man & have been trying to get out of the marriage...he even tries to use christianity & God to impress me (I'm a christian)...it's the craziest thing I've ever seen! But i have confronted him about his games & let him know i am aware if what he is doing & even let him know i don't trust him, never will, & don't believe anything that comes out if his mouth...i have let him know I'm done w/ the marriage & haven't been intimate w/ him in a year & let him know i will never let him touch me again since i can't trust him w/ my body..i have stood mt ground so far bur he continues the sherade & i have even rolled my eyes @ him when he talks to me & i don't respond when he glamourizes his conversations...why won't he give up? He knows I'm not going to play anymore & that i don't believe him, why won't he leave me alone? Is there a point where they finally give up?

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    1. The Narcissist fears losing power and credibility over everything else!
      Then there is narcissistic hurt.
      The narcissist regards himself as the center of the world and the lives of those surrounding him. He is the source of all emotions, responsible for all developments, positive and negative alike, the axis, the prime cause, the only cause, the mover, the shaker, the broker, the pillar, forever indispensable. It is therefore a bitter and sharp rebuke to this grandiose fantasy to see someone else happy. It confronts the narcissist with a reality outside the realm of his fantasies. It painfully serves to illustrate to him that he is but one of many causes, phenomena, triggers and catalysts. That there are things happening outside the orbit of his control or initiative.

      The narcissist uses projective identification. He feels bad through other people, his proxies. He induces unhappiness and gloom in others to enable him to experience his own misery. Inevitably, he attributes the source of such sadness either to himself, as its cause - or to the "pathology" of the sad person.

      Though he is the chronically depressed partner, "You are constantly draining me. I do all the work in this relationship." is a common sentence. The narcissist - in an effort to maintain the depressive state until it serves some cathartic purposes - strives to perpetuate it by sowing constant reminders of its existence. If the Narcissistic decides to show any pity for his victim, it is usually an under-handed slap in the face type of comment. "You look sad/bad/pale today. Is anything wrong? Even though he perpetrated the wrong-he takes no blame. Can I help you? Things haven't been going so well, ah? That is because you are not in step with me, you are never satisfied, you lag behind complaining all the time about one little thing I do wrong." "You would be happier if you just trust me more."

      Last but not least is the exaggerated fear of losing control. The narcissist feels that he controls his human environment mostly by manipulation and mainly by emotional extortion and distortion. This is not far from reality. He suppresses any sign of emotional autonomy. He feels threatened and belittled by an emotion fostered not by him or by his actions directly or indirectly. Counteracting someone else's happiness is the narcissist's way of reminding everyone: I am here, I am omnipotent, you are at my mercy and you will feel happy only when I tell you to.

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    2. The Narcissist fears losing power and credibility over everything else!
      Then there is narcissistic hurt.
      The narcissist regards himself as the center of the world and the lives of those surrounding him. He is the source of all emotions, responsible for all developments, positive and negative alike, the axis, the prime cause, the only cause, the mover, the shaker, the broker, the pillar, forever indispensable. It is therefore a bitter and sharp rebuke to this grandiose fantasy to see someone else happy. It confronts the narcissist with a reality outside the realm of his fantasies. It painfully serves to illustrate to him that he is but one of many causes, phenomena, triggers and catalysts. That there are things happening outside the orbit of his control or initiative.

      The narcissist uses projective identification. He feels bad through other people, his proxies. He induces unhappiness and gloom in others to enable him to experience his own misery. Inevitably, he attributes the source of such sadness either to himself, as its cause - or to the "pathology" of the sad person.

      Though he is the chronically depressed partner, "You are constantly draining me. I do all the work in this relationship." is a common sentence. The narcissist - in an effort to maintain the depressive state until it serves some cathartic purposes - strives to perpetuate it by sowing constant reminders of its existence. If the Narcissistic decides to show any pity for his victim, it is usually an under-handed slap in the face type of comment. "You look sad/bad/pale today. Is anything wrong? Even though he perpetrated the wrong-he takes no blame. Can I help you? Things haven't been going so well, ah? That is because you are not in step with me, you are never satisfied, you lag behind complaining all the time about one little thing I do wrong." "You would be happier if you just trust me more."

      Last but not least is the exaggerated fear of losing control. The narcissist feels that he controls his human environment mostly by manipulation and mainly by emotional extortion and distortion. This is not far from reality. He suppresses any sign of emotional autonomy. He feels threatened and belittled by an emotion fostered not by him or by his actions directly or indirectly. Counteracting someone else's happiness is the narcissist's way of reminding everyone: I am here, I am omnipotent, you are at my mercy and you will feel happy only when I tell you to.

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